The Opioid Policy Institute Shuts Down
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Date: May 2, 2025
Well, folks, pack it up.
Turn off the lights, shred the research papers (save it for confetti though!), and cancel that subscription – the Opioid Policy Institute is officially closing, effective immediately.
We’re closing because the laser-focused efforts by President Donald J. Trump during his first 100 days in office, have solved the opioid crisis.
Fin.
We were surprised too!
For more than a decade, we have been conducting research and advocacy efforts directed towards ending this crisis. We've been analyzing data, drafting recommendations, presenting at conferences, and generally pointing out the rather alarming persistence of, the opioid crisis (more than 20 years!). We produced talks and white papers outlining how treatment works and the barriers to harm reduction that contribute to this longstanding crisis.
And just 46 days ago (March 18th, 2025) the public health emergency declaration was renewed by RFK Jr. So, we thought...lots more work to do!
Turns out, all we needed was The Wall, drugs-on-the-table copaganda photo shoots, and dismantling the public health system to save 119 - 258 million lives from fentanyl overdoses in just 💯days. No research can accomplish that!
119 - 258 million lives saved from fentanyl overdoses were saved by totally serious person and Rx Summit Speaker, US Attorney General Pam Bondi (give her the keynote next year! Name the event after her! Nobel Peace Prize? Any professor make a nomination...).
258 million lives saved 2 days later!!!! WHOAAAA!!!!
Yep, 50-75% of the US population saved in 100 days!
Man, bodies were dropping before Trump came to office. I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was this bad.
After Trump regularly campaigned that the true opioid overdose death numbers were 200,000-300,000 people (not ~110,000 as reported by...everyone), we thought "wow, they love to make up numbers." But going from 119 to 258 million in two days? That's a new level of delusion!
When you make up numbers, I guess they can double whenever you want. Good to know. Maybe they can drop precipitously when you need to claim victory over this imagined issue too? (NB - opioid-related morbidity and mortality is, of course, a real, significant issue - maybe we can just talk about the real issue [and real solutions] instead of the made-up ones?).
Who knew this could all be so simple? I guess when you manufacture the threat, you can manufacture the results?
Opioid crisis, OUT.
What Does This Mean For Us?
We're done. Crisis solved. We'll probably just go back to making nail polish.
We understand you might still think there's an opioid crisis. That's just because some mainstream "media" outlets might occasionally mention things like "overdoses deaths." Don't be fooled. This is probably old data, fake news, or perhaps people just haven't gotten the memo that the problem is fixed. Apparently the media wasn't ready for this?
Typical.
Are you ready for this, media?
A Final Thank You
So, this is it. The Opioid Policy Institute, founded to address issues that impact people affected by opioid addiction, is now done. Mission accomplished.
We want to extend our deepest, most sincere gratitude to President Trump and the tremendous cabinet for making our job obsolete.🫡 This is why cabinet members like Pam Bondi and RFK Jr. were such necessary voices at the Rx Summit. They really are serious people that understand the opioid crisis...and can help us solve it! Meritocracy in action!
We thought it would be AI that takes us out...or maybe not pirating all that music in the early 2000s...but all it took was 100 days of making shit up, decimating public health, and hand-wavy fentanyl press releases to completely solve the biggest drivers of the opioid overdose crisis.
Stay safe out there in the blissfully fentanyl-free America!
